in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
