I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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