i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
