you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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