We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize