listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
