So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
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