i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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