i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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