Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
BRING THE BAGELS
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
