you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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