he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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