for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
