I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
