Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
