tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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