it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
That's how pantless uber rides happen
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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