***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Randomize
