Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
