Im at strip club and am horny
grandma shit on top of the toilet
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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