Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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