I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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