Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
