Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
The Olympian is in my bed
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
