Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
