fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
