What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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