Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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