Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
We left the knife in your bed.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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