new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
