no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
