I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
