Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
