Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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