I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
