i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
His hands were made for my vagina.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize