He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
