I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
