in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
