did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
