my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
