All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
