this beer tastes like vomit already
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
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