girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
