i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
