I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize