My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Randomize
