im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Randomize
