On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
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