My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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