I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
