I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
