party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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