You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Randomize
