Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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