Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
