Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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