so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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