Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Randomize
