All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
