Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
