I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
