can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
