my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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