can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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